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Alex Baer

Hot Air Shouldn't Delay This 'Party'

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Tropical Storm Isaac's moist, warm winds increased speed to 70 miles per hour late today, just 4 mph short of a hurricane -- which is anywhere from 293 to 449 mph short of the hot-air wind-speed records that blowhards will achieve at this year's Republican parr-tee in Tampa.

In all, 2,286 delegates and 2,125 alternate delegates have gathered in one spot -- since quarantined by the Combined National Emergency Weather and Mental Health Centers, and dubbed a dangerous depression -- one not curable by anti-psychotic medications.

Chief meteorologist Wendy Enhowlen says, "It might be tropical right here, but this great depression is more topical,  especially with the economic stresses most regular people face today."

She added, "Global climate change provokes more problems than just multiplying the numbers of hurricanes.  For one thing, the palmetto bugs here are the size of reindeer."

Last Updated on Tuesday, 28 August 2012 21:28

Bizarro-Squared, Away

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Update on our universe's intersection with the Bizarro realm's version:  Effects continue to ripple and pulse outward in huge waves, like pychosis-tsunami wannabes.

Researchers say the impact is anywhere from as little as a two percent increase in most lifeforms, to as much as three quadrillion percent as severe in Republicans, based on observable behaviors and statements, not on any increased understanding as yet of the phenomenon itself.

You may remember the most recently-felt effects were triggered by -- or culminated in -- Uber-One-Percenter Willard Romney's selection of Teabagger Paul Ryan as a running mate.

"Depth and duration of symptoms really run the gamut in this thing," said Dr. Oliver Hellenbach, Verity Department Chair of the Astoot-Klevver Mind Institute, "from confusion of fact and fantasy, as we see in Romney, to the complete breakdown in reality seen in Ryan -- which fully explains the budget mirages of one, and the absolute inability of the other to keep his story straight."

Last Updated on Saturday, 25 August 2012 17:07

Dear World: Watch Your Back.

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Dear World,

It's been quite a while since we've written, and seemingly even longer since we've written anything intelligent or intelligible -- nothing that wasn't scrawled in blood and abruptly shoved into your view.  Certainly nothing much worth reading.

After a Constitution, Bill of Rights, and assorted amendments, we may be intellectually exhausted.  You have to admit, that was a stretch of extraordinary thinking, imagining such lofty thoughts as being worth a go by mere human beings.

Of course, founding this country on genocide and slavery are facts that have kept many of us up, late at night, stark awake, inconsolably saddened.

And, as you can plainly see from modern events here, we all remain clueless how to honestly engage such horrific histories, or even begin to make such things right.

Last Updated on Friday, 24 August 2012 19:14

Leveling the Killing Fields

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The only thing our political leaders have learned about war is not how to avoid them, but making certain they never again suffer a national conscription, or draft.

Vietnam taught politicians the PR challenges of holding a fine war with a draft in place:  All of a sudden, everyone and his brother had some real skin in the game, with so broad a population base up for grabs as cannon fodder.

Today, politicians think nothing of narrowing their gun sights, and sharpening the burden to a fine point -- one supported by very few backs.  With a more-or-less volunteer force, you just demand the same small group returns to the battlefield over and over and over -- while promising to look into the puzzling reasons soldier suicides have skyrocketed.

Last Updated on Thursday, 23 August 2012 15:50

Be Surprised if This One Surprises You

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Republicans have a real flair for being stupid, ignorant jerks -- and being proud of it.

If they weren't so tragically repugnant and repellently lethal to intelligent and sensitive thought and feeling, it might be suggested they were being kept around as humor relief -- a little something to help the adults take the edge off a hard day of dealing with facts and reality.

Not that many Democrats -- most notably Blue Dogs, perched to the right of Atilla the Hun and Count Dracula in the woeful lurch far, far right in this country -- are not themselves a lost cause for hope.  Within their group are plenty of spineless ditherers who couldn't corral a single, thoughtful decision amongst themselves even if that meant a simple vote to escape a burning building.

And, yes, the entire country in this 21st century is very much like a building set alarming ablaze -- with Republicans trying to hide the gas cans and matches behind their backs, along with somehow hiding their innocent-angel grins as well.

Last Updated on Wednesday, 22 August 2012 17:50

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