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You are here News Editorials Alex Baer: The Tricky Bits in the Triaging

Alex Baer: The Tricky Bits in the Triaging

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T riage controlWelcome to the weekend, fellow shell-shock victims:

Thank you for choosing Doctor Dogooder's Philanthropic Trauma Hospital and No-Host, Hospitality Fern Bar.

We'll be triaging everyone according to depth of political dismay and by visible, physical symptoms -- such as foaming at the mouth, inability to control reflexes, sudden bursts of cursing, throbbing temple veins, fur-coated tongue, repeated yelling-while-pointing, and so on.

If anyone is having trouble breathing, please take a seat and wait your turn, as we are ALL having trouble breathing this political season.

Anyone suspecting psychic bleeding or other related injury should please report to the duty clinician in the Purple Wing -- just follow the purple arrows and pale green vapors, to the inpatient receiving area.

If you are not sure about the nature of your state of things, please also go to the Purple Wing -- it is huge, and can accommodate almost everyone in the entire country.

However, if you feel yourself overheating, or otherwise experiencing a meltdown of some sort, related to anyone with orange hair, with a last name starting with the letter "T," as in "toodle-oo," please report to the Bright Red Wing, where our crack staff of delusional counter-programmers and certified therapists can help in your transition back to reality.

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