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Read the stories that TV news networks forget to report!

BRAIN DEAD TV JUNKIES SLEEP THROUGH GETTING VICIOUSLY GANG-RAPED—FILM AT 11:00
Kelly Michael James

The People Who Care types, those ultra-sensitive, hyper-anxious Chicken Little worrywarts whose hearts bleed despair over the descent of the world into the dark, horror-stenched night of totalitarian tyranny look around at American society today and solemnly ask themselves The Question: “How did things get so outrageously fucked-up?? I know I do. It’s got to either be the work of Satan, or Alan Funt’s hiding behind the bushes with thecameras rolling. Maybe I just ate some spicy food before I went to sleep tonight.

How else to explain the rise to power of a bloodthirsty regime that pulled off thecoup that put a non-elected vicious dunce in thechair where Abraham Lincoln once sat? On his way to “restoring honor and integrity? to the Oval Office, the belligerent but dull-witted frat boy who is corporate power’s chosen figurehead hasn’t even pretended to hide his contempt for those not in the exclusive class of power-drunk wealth that funds, and has always funded, his existence. He has presided over an unflinching assault on the poor, the working class, children, the rights of victims of corporate negligence, the right to counsel, the environment, the rights of voters, the right to privacy, the right to a neutral judiciary, kindergarten students, elementary school students, high school students, college students, the uninsured, seniors, and pretty much everyone else not currently living in exclusive gated communities.

The worst part isn’t even the unprovoked, unjustified “pre-emptive? military slaughter designed solely to reap corporate profits, or the blowtorch attack on Constitutional liberties, or the fascistic turning over of the keys of state to corporate campaign financiers. The worst part is that, for the most part, nobody seems to mind too terribly much. Rome burns, but it is the regular Romans, not Nero, who fiddle. We even have a handy-dandy, post-modern catch-phrase for the phenomena: The Death of Outrage.

But there is still the nagging question of Why? The illegitimate pretender to the throne just flat-out lies to justify an imperialistic invasion that costs thousands of lives and billions of dollars. Ho hum. He bludgeons through tax cuts that create an upward transfer of wealth reminiscent of the techniques of Blackbeard. Yawn. He perversely lines the pockets of the already unimaginably fabulously wealthy and hands the bill to thechildren and grandchildren of the working class like some twisted modern-day reverse Robin Hood, and we can’t be bothered to get up off thecouch to storm the Bastille? I guess the rape of our future and the desecration of our history is no big deal. It’s not like he got a blowjob in the Oval Office from some fat chick or something—just wake us up when it gets to the good part.

The price of liberty may well be eternal vigilance, but whose got time for anything as tedious as eternal vigilance if it means you might miss finding out whether it’s the bikini-wearing hardbody Ashley, or the deliciously slutty Tiffany, who gets voted offthe Island on tonight’s all new “Survivor?? (Tonight’s episode brought to you by unrealistically thin, sexy, and happy spokes-models selling an impossible to attain lifestyle theyclaim can only be attained by driving a brand-new, gas-guzzling, pollution-spewing, terrorist-supporting SUV that’s slightly bigger than the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln, that or taking Prozac. Ask your doctor if a chemical lobotomy might be right for you!)

Meanwhile, the vampire in the White House is trying to suck the overtime pay out of our paychecks, gift-wrap it, and give it to our corporate bosses as a Valentine. The hero of supply-siders wants to supply their side with a gift of the biggest pay cut since the days of Kunta Kente. And why not? As long as they don’t screw-up and make it a plot-line on “Everybody Loves Raymond? we’ll never notice.

Did another soldier get blown to pieces in the foreign desert today? I dunno, but I hear that Matt wasn’t picked to be Best Man for Ben and Jen!! Can you believe it?! Did they ever find those weapons of mass destruction? Uh, yeah, I think so, but did you hear “Alias? star Jennifer Garner ditched her husband for hunky co-star Michael Vartan? Man, I’d love to get a video of that honeymoon! Do you think the government is intentionally trying to run our economy into the ground to starve social programs so that they can then be eliminated or “privatized?? Beats me, but I can’t wait for the ‘round theclock updates of Kobe on trial for putting his large black penis into an unwilling white teen-aged vagina! How juicy!

Not to worry—We still have the NEWS industry to keep us informed and keep government and industry in check, right? Oops, maybe not. They did kinda miss that whole “Bush Cartel Rigs Election—Steals White House? story. But at least it worked out well for them, what with thecompanies that own the networks being profiteering war-industry contractors and all. Hey, who needs theNational Enquirer when we’ve got Peter Rather Brokaw reassuringly giving us all the Monica and O.J. updates we could possibly ever want? When did the thief steal your wallet, sir? I think he grabbed it out of my pocket with one hand while he was pointing to the sky and claiming Superman was flying by with the other. Can you give us a description of the bandit? Yeah, he looked just like Tony Snow.

Remember how we cried for the poor wretches of the former Soviet Union because the only access to information they had was a state-controlled press? With their corrupt government controlling the flow of available information, all they got were lies and propaganda! Oh, theanguish we felt for the poor lost souls! If onlythey could KNOW the TRUTH!! Only a free presscould defend people from a lying government, we were assured. Only a free press safeguarded democratic freedoms, we were promised. God bless the heroes of Radio Free Europe! God bless the independent American free press! Only the truth, given to you by a free press, can set you free! Only from independent and competitive news organizations, each competing for the best scoop,could mankind safely advance in the Marketplace of Ideas.

A recent poll showed that 70% of respondents believed there was a connection between Saddam and 9/11, despite the absolute lack of any evidence that such a thing was ever true. Now, where on Earth would they get that idea? It’s a lucky thing for the administration though, otherwise the American people would never support the unprovoked invasion and occupation of Iraq. A cynic might think the Bush cartel was manipulating what they believe to be a stupid audience through the use of a slick sales technique where every single member of the administration constantly juxtaposed the words “Saddam Hussein,? “September 11,? and “terrorists? together in the same sentence over and over and over again. But we know that would never work—our watchdog press would rip them to shreds, right? “This simply isn’t true!? Peter Jennings would shriek. “There isn’t a single shred of evidence to back this up!? Dan Rather would cry. “All available evidence shows that Saddam had absolutely nothing to do with 9/11 and pursuing him at this time is a waste of resources that could be used to fight the real war against the real terrorists,? Tom Brokaw would explain.

In fact, if we didn’t hear these things from our trusted news sources, it would be unequivocal proof that they were nothing more than mouthpieces for the government, the PR arm of the Pentagon, our equivalent of TASS and Pravda. Thank God we don’t have that, right? Just what the heck is going on over there, Tom Brokaw? Oh, “Operation Iraqi Freedom?? Thank goodness. I was afraid it was an unjustified, bloody, indefensible, invasion to loot another country’s (black) gold done for the exclusive benefit of a handful of unelected multinational corporations. Thanks for setting the record straight—your place in history as part of the Greatest Generation of stalwart defenders of truth is assured.

Every Sunday morning, the heavyweights of the FREE and INDEPENDENT press take off the gloves and thrash the newsmakers of the week, ripping straight through to the heart of the facts, laying open the undisguised TRUTH for all to see. Here’s how George Stephanopoulos (thecowlick-haired Clinton administration tattletale with the boyish good looks, hand-picked by the ratings-mad “news? division of ABC to sit in David Brinkley’s chair) introduced his first question to Secretary of State Colin Powell: “Today we are in Iraq fighting a war on terror that began … on September 11, 2001…? Powell, who at one time was suspected by many of being a Man of Principle, said nothing to correct the eager to please “journalist.?

 And that’s the way it is. I sure hope they have brawling lesbian cheaters on Springer today.

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