Batty, Bizarre & Beyond


The universe was just beginning to repair the gash in reality, on our side of that invisible wound in time and space, from the previous -- initial -- incursion with that weird phenomena, our intersection with Bizarro Universe.

You'll remember the maiden voyage we all took, riding Saturday's shock waves of this strange situation in which a clot of inexplicable behaviors arrived all at once, seemingly triggered by -- or culminating in -- the announcement of Paul Ryan as a running mate for Willard Romney.

Scientists have struggled to explain, trace, and predict the cluster of effects that have become collectively known as having a brush with Bizarro -- Bifurcated, Infrared, Zeta-waved Arrhythmia, as Randomized in Rapid Oscillations -- Universe.

Meanwhile, all scientists know is we are all experiencing a wild outbreak of unpredictable, unexplainable, over-the-top events.

"Anything could happen next, anything at all," said Dr. Abbie Normmul, Chief of Physics, and lead regional investigator for this phenomena, at Excelsior-Nadir University's Astrophysical Research Laboratory, Observatory, and StarLite Gift Shoppe.

"It wouldn't surprise me in the least if Sarah Palin, Benedict Arnold, Napolean, and Fred Flintstone all came romping down the street riding a purple dinosaur -- Barney, Dino, Pluto, or whatever."

Dr. Normmul speculated, "The collision of our universe with theirs allowed for seepage across that immense boundary axis plane -- we think."

He explained, "Lucky for us, the vibrations of the two universes are different, so one can pass ever-so-slowly through the other one, with no physical destruction -- not counting damage Romney does to the country's friendships in his trips overseas."

It is this odd law of apparent physicality that has helped us avoid an ending apocalypse.  "Good thing it works this way, or we would all have been toast, instantly obliterated in the first nanosecond of 'The Great Intersection' as we're calling it publicly."

Dr. Normmul laughed, "Humanity dodged a bullet, and it looks like Firesign Theatre was right again -- and I quote: 'How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?'"

However, we may have a long time yet before reality rights itself and returns to any norm.  "This intermingling keeps creating ripple effects, and expanding pockets and rifts of, well, 'bizarreness,' for lack of a better way to describe it so far. We really have no idea yet what we're dealing with here."

Dr. Normmul gave an example of the unpredictable nature of the phenomena's effects.

"There's really no other explanation why a broadcast television network would produce and air a so-called reality show glorifying violence and war, or someone's twisted comic-book version of it, and then trying to lamely frame it as sort of patriotic, lighthearted, athletic competition.  That's perhaps even worse -- the attempt to defuse the foul, really vile aspects of such a venture -- than the venture itself, revolting as it is."

Dr. Normmul was referring to an NBC show, "Stars 'n' Bars," in which D-, E-, and F-list celebrities drink and carouse in an assortment of bars, taverns, strip clubs, and dives that rim the perimeters of military bases all throughout the deep south.

The program showcases inebriated celebs drunkenly challenging somewhat more sober servicemembers in a variety of feats, such as, "Walking the Razor Wire in Swim-fins," and "Jell-O Wrestling on Greased Hand Grenades."  The show has so far also featured random gunfire in bursts and explosions using improvised devices.

NBC has defended its programming decisions in recent days, saying it's all "good, clean, American-style fun," and that there is no intent to make light of violence, war, or induce death or injuries simply for viewers' pleasure -- although NBC spokesman Will "Muddy" Kommentz left wiggle room in the announcement for that eventuality next season.

"We have to consider our advertisers, as well as our corporate parent, G-E -- makers of some of the most effective war weapons manufactured anywhere today," Kommentz grinned.  "Hey, lighten up -- it's just capitalism, it's just business."

Dr. Normmul said he was glad a contingent of Nobel Peace Price winners have been dispatched to the production sites of the show as U.N. Observers, but it may already be too late.

"We've seen a major Bizarro wave breaking across the entertainment industry.  Just as radio has its hate-speech and fascism enthusiasts, like Rush Limbo [sic], the TV industry is clobbering its particular public with unfeeling, moronic shows like this.  Knowing the public, the shows'll probably be a huge hit and make millions or billions!" Dr. Normmul spat, his distaste clearly displayed.

"We're seeing this contagion spread quickly.  Just last night, I saw previews on TV from ABC for a new fall show called "Beachhead: Civilians," and another one CBS had coming up, "Weekend Warriors: Killing Time."

Dr. Normmul removed his glasses, shook his head, and rubbed his bloodshot eyes.

"Besides the head-on effects that are apparent and so damaging to human sanity and decision-making, there are worlds of secondary, tertiary effects -- probably linked and inter-cascading -- impacts and effects that are very complex, difficult to predict, likely not evident at first..." he trailed off tiredly.

"These days, no one can really tell where our regular old universe leaves off and Bizarro Universe begins."

Dr. Normmul shrugged.  "That should scare the absolute bejeezus out of us, but it probably won't."