Reality is confused enough these days. Perhaps if we try to overload it, and blow all its fuses and circuit breakers, we'll pop clear out at the other end, in some sort of sane, prosperous, sensible nirvana.
Let's give it a nudge and try this one: Yes, someone paid $65,600 for a pair of Marie Antoinette's slippers. Green and pink silk.
They fetched five times more than auctioneers thought they would get. They were flooded with bids from around the world -- which should give you some indication of the number of people sitting on oversized piles of cash who are hopelessly clueless about what might be constructively done instead with any of those Scrooge McDuck, dollar-sign-sporting, canvas-bag heaps they're using for sofas.
(Anyone else detect the hand of a Romney here, fishing for wifely trinkets? Just checking. After all: It matches up nicely, and completes the Let Them Eat Cake circuit of Life Entitlements, seeing as how Ann believes its "their" turn to be President.)
Meanwhile, crashing the desperate hopes of millions of millionaires, the celebrity sperm bank, "FameDaddy," has turned out to be a hoax. Sorry, all of you ITV network viewers in the UK: There's no pool of possible rock stars, aristocrats, or knighted and titled, lords-of-the-manor on which to draw after all.
Moving on now, to the rich, previously-untapped universe of electric underwear stories, an opportunity to ask a first-ever, groundbreaking question finally arises: How would you like a jolt of electricity to the buttocks?
Normally, that one would reap an automatic, reflexive face-slap in the mixed company of a non-medical world. At the University of Calgary in Canada, where doctors were trying out the invention, however, applause was the response. The serious side: Those electric pants are an effort to help reduce bedsores in patients too ill to get out of bed. And it works!
No more "take two and call me in the morning." Nope, from now on it's "two electrodes per cheek, 10 seconds of zapping, every 10 minutes, for 12 hours a day." Does this mean nurses and electricians will have to form a new, joint union?
Anyway, can't wait to see the size of the big, orange, plastic prescription bottles these electric underthings come in. Hope it's only the cap that's one of those struggle-half-the-day-to-open, childproof closures. Can't imagine anyone wanting much escape-delay from the zap-ful shorts, preferring instead a smooth, Houdini-esque move, considering electricity's involved, and the need to avoid colliding confluences definitely at odds with, uh, calls of nature.
And, on a rapid pivot, now: Love is a powerful call of nature, too. And what could be more natural, after all, than noticing there's a spare billion dollars laying around with which to build a much bigger Taj Mahal in Dubai?
The "New City of Love" will be completed in 2014, and be larger than the original monument to personal devotion, providing a 300-room hotel and the usual mega-cluster of upscale shops and commercial buildings commonplace in the Gulf emirate.
However, if you're looking for a love nest a lot closer to home, and a lot more competitively priced, Elvis Presley's old Beverly Hills pad is up for sale. In the lingo of marketeers everywhere: Now! Only! $13 million!
It's a 4-bedroom, five bath French-styled little love shack Presley and Priscilla shared at one time. It had been, until recently, rented out: Now! Only! $25,000 a month! The local real estate and house-rental ads might have left that last part off, to keep the phone ringing, and some prospects lined up.
* * * * *
Note to Readers: Silliness and fun sure helps defuse stress -- like a cool, soothing mudpack for the mind. However, if you'd like to depart laughing today, this is probably the best spot to do it. As they say in Reality World: Tougher sledding's ahead.
* * * * *
(Psst -- Willard. Mitt! Hey, if that wasn't you on the slippers, there's always the Presley place. Make your own Marie Antoinette, Ann, pretty darn happy -- whole lotta shakin' goin' on, if you know what I mean. It's a one-of-a-kind love nest, and my finder fee is Now! Only! Everything! of value you "liberated-slash-pirated" while at Bain.)
I figure fair's fair: Mitt dumped people on the street, I'd be trying to get him off the street and into this nice love shack. Those millions would surely help start a number of foundations to help all those Americans that Bain stabbed right in the back...
* * * * *
But, you know, Bain money is blood money, so there's a built-in reluctance to get involved there. And, there's a new set of "Three R's." No -- not readin', writin', & 'rithmatic. Not robbin', rakin', & rootin' for Republicans, but Romney, Ryan & Religion.
See, word is Mittster's in a cult and Ryan might be a Satanist. And, gosh, that's not even taking into account their former business deals, horrid results as lawmaker, and their crippling, hostile-takeover plans for the American people!
Some thought Billy Graham endorsed Romney by praying together, but Graham's web site continued to note Mormonism was a cult. Meanwhile, it's said by some that Ryan's Ayn Rand devotions helped birth Anton LaVey's Church of Satan -- trick or treat!
Today's Bonus Facts: Ayn Rand, the hero of Paul Ryan and Teabaggers, received Social Security and Medicare assistance, the very programs Ryan and Teabaggers want to end. Oh, and Ryan used Social Security support himself for a time, but now wants to destroy that bridge for any others -- trick or treat!
Note for Rand idolizers: Ayn Rand's hero? Child killer William Hickman -- trick or treat!
P.S. Sorry to leave you on that note. It's just that every day is Halloween with Republicans in the mix. To help make it up to you, there's a list of 50 scary movies below, if you enjoy that kind of thing... and, in case this season of political previews and prospects is not quite nightmarish or haunting enough for your tastes.
Slippers: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-19979368
FameDaddy: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-19988311
Electric undies: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-19946428
Taj Two: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-india-19825332
Presley's pad: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-19942958
Ryan & Satanism: http://www.talk2action.org/story/2012/8/27/112525/600
Ayn Rand's hero: http://www.dailykos.com/story/2011/04/19/968385/-Hero-or-Monster-Ayn-Rand-and-William-Hickman
... with other extensive, stomach-churning details, re: Hickman, available via Google, of course.
50 Scary movies: http://www.boston.com/ae/movies/gallery/top_50_scary_movies/