Every once in a while, an email floats in that you'd like to share with the whole nation. It doesn't happen often, but it did happen again yesterday. The Twainian email was in the form of a hopeful donation note from former Florida Congressman Alan Grayson, who is now running in the newly-created 9th District there.
The letter is sharp, clear, and darkly humorous, filled with heady satire and parody. It is also filled with lots and lots of heart. There is much humor and truth here, and is of the kind you may have thought not made anymore. As you read, be prepared to grimace some -- you know, where your face starts to smile through the insistent, persistent frown etched there by the times. Prepare to hear yourself laugh out loud, knowingly.
Here's Alan:
Dear Friend:
One of my opponents has a new ad, claiming that I will shut down all children's lemonade stands.
Seriously.
He says that I won't be acting alone, of course. I will do it in concert with my "progressive cronies" -- the actual term in the ad. Presumably in return for corporate PAC contributions from Big Lemon.
My opponent also claims that my "progressive cronies" and I will make gasoline so expensive (specifically, $10 a gallon) that people will "stop traveling to Florida" -- again, an actual quote from his ad. So Disney World will have to change its name to Ghost Town, I guess.
And, finally, my opponent says that people will no longer go hunting -- the horror! -- because my "progressive cronies" and I will "outlaw guns and ammunition." I have to concede the logic of the latter part of that. What would be the point of outlawing guns, but not ammunition? Wouldn't it be really frustrating, having all that ammunition around, and not being able to shoot at anything?
Remarkably, my opponent says that I will accomplish all of this during 2013. Clearly, it will be a busy year.
I would like to assure my opponent, and all other right-wing paranoid crackpots, that I will neither eliminate children's lemonade stands, nor triple the price of gasoline, nor outlaw guns and ammunition. If I have a secret plan to do any of those things, it's so secret that even I don't know about it. It's like I'm the Manchurian Candidate, or something.
And while we're on the subject, I would like to inform my opponent that there are a few more things that neither I nor my "progressive cronies" intend to do:
- Make abortions mandatory.
- Socialize the means of production.
- Outlaw heterosexual intercourse.
- Tax breathing, or urination.
- Take away his velvet painting of dogs playing poker.
- Nationalize his underwear.
- Fill the sky with black helicopters.
- Remove the tinfoil from his skull.
One more thing that I promise we won't do: We won't prevent imbeciles from throwing their hats in the ring. So my opponent can run for President in 2016, when Barack Obama is finishing his second term.
Are we clear on that? Good. Now let's get back to discussing the things that my opponent is so desperate not to talk about: jobs, healthcare, homes, and education. What's that? He has nothing to say? That's what I thought.
[Then, in bold, blue type, a pair of suggestions is made to readers.]
If you are sick and tired of wretched right-wingers hijacking public discourse with their stupid nonsense, raise your hand. Then lower your hand, and click on that CONTRIBUTE button below.
Alan Grayson, ladies and gentlemen.
You know, this is one of the few times I've ever wanted to be a fat cat, so I could write this man an equally fat check -- one with lots of zeroes, for one of my very few, modern-day heroes.
http://blogs.orlandosentinel.com/news_politics/2012/07/grayson-responds-i-wont-close-lemonade-stands-outlaw-guns-outlaw-heterosexual-intercourse.html